carpe food

So I officially rejoined WW on Feb 19th and was horrified by the number on the scale. In my first week I lost 2.6 lbs, which is an amazing feat considering I had some friends visiting from AZ. And when said friends visit we manage to spend the ENTIRE weekend eating & drinking and eating after drinking to avoid hangovers.

But then at last nights meeting I learned that I'd gained 2 lbs back. How is that fair?! I was so good this past week. And then during the meeting I started thinking that it could possibly be from not exercising & not tracking at all - two key elements of WW. So I only have myself to blame. Ah well.

For The Better

When a guy flakes on you a few times you start to get ideas. You start to imagine that he's hiding something from you. Things like a girlfriend, a kid or two, or even a drug addiction. Until last Saturday, I never realized that I was really limiting guys' shady potential by NOT including things like jail time, possible convict...etc.

I don't know how one would prep themselves for having a guy tell you "I'm out on bail" while on a date and surrounded by 20 of your closest friends. And when he throws out what he's not charged with (rape and drugs) and wants you to guess, I suggest you say "Assault with a deadly weapon" and/or "Attempted murder" because you will be right on the money. And when he proceeds to tell you that he turned down the plea bargain for 7 years and a lesser charge, therefore on trial for a possible LIFE SENTENCE, I suggest you fight the urge to vomit all over him and just smile politely as he plays nervously with your bracelet. When he asks you several times where this leaves "us" just repeat that it's "a lot to take in" and that you'll "need some time to think."

Luckily, he will sense a great deal of awkwardness and let you know that he's going to leave. He's going to ask that you walk him to his car and when he offers to drive you around to the front of the bowling alley, you'll get in thinking I'm going to die. He's going to murder me, but you'll get in because you don't want to hurt his feelings. He's going to tell you how happy it makes him just to spend time with you and that he thinks you're pretty and he'll note twice how beautiful your complexion is. You'll think this is odd, but you'll smile anyway. You'll have the chance to tell him that your not wanting to continue things has very little to do with tonight (lies, all lies), but that he really f-ed things up by not calling you when the two of you made plans. He'll say that you should've called him, that he doesn't even remember doing anything that night. When he asks you to give him a kiss, you will, only because you realize that you could be his last kiss before serving a life sentence.

You'll think, after the fact, that you should've asked him if he has a chance of parol, but realize that this is way too ghetto a conversation to have. You'll end up receiving two calls from him the next day, asking if you two can meet up. You won't return his calls and you'll feel an odd sense of guilt. Your closest friends will spend the day rehashing the night with you and making you feel like you are so much better off without convicts messing up your life. And instead of pitying yourself too much, you'll realize how lucky you are to have friends like this and that things always, always, always work out just the way they should.

Knife wounds and apples

What do the two of these things have in common? Me. Am I the only moron that cuts and apple while holding it firmly in my palm? Afraid so. It happened last Thursday about an hour before I was set to hit my fave dive bar. The knife went right through the apple and into my hand - the area between my thumb and index finger (I tried to take a picture with my cell phone, but it looked obscene...like I was spreading the legs of a skinless chicken or even a dairy cow. So please just try and envision it for yourself).

So I called nurse Jen and asked if there are any main arteries or anything serious in that region. She said no and so I scurried to take a one-handed shower (I don't recommend this to anyone) and got ready. My date S called me 20 mins early and wanted to ride over together. I told him about the knife episode and he peeled back my bandaids and blew on it in a very cute fashion. Later that night he did the same and told me he couldn't wait for it to scab over so he could pick at it. Am I the only one that finds this adorable?? A1 already knows this story so this is a repeat. But seriously...how many guys do you meet in your life that want to pick your nasty scabs? Love that.

Work it girl, work it

So I'm working out again and my body hates me. I went back on New Years Eve day. After four months of being away...four lonnnng months. I did my usual routine (inquiries welcome...) and it practically killed me. I just have zero energy in the morning & afternoon. My body hated me for two straight days after. Anyways...the good news is that I'm back. I even went again last night and I'm not feelin any pain. I kept telling myself that my old gym was too far a drive from my new house, but it only takes about 15 mins to get there. So I could've been working out this entire time instead of sitting on my lazy ass...whoopsie!

On an insect note, I put out two roach motels and I've already caught some lovely specimens. The weird thing is that they smell like brown sugar, which is a scent that follows me through life. My old car, Bunny (R.I.P.) would let out a brown sugary goodness when I'd turn her heater on. My parents bought the car from an old lady and I used to picture her sprinkling some brown sugar under the hood so that it'd remind her of her kitchen in the cold wintery months. Old ladies are cute like that. But anyways, I have high hopes for these motels...where the insects check in, but they never check OUT!

Slip of the ol' tongue

I just uttered this phrase to my 80-year old boss...

"My internet is going down on me."

What I meant to say was that my internet connection was failing. Luckily, she didn't catch on to my slip up. Wonder what old Freud would have to say about this one.

Just Say NO

So when your roommate asks you at 10:15 P.M. to follow him to the airport for "twenty minutes" my advice to you is to just say no. Or at least be smart enough to turn off your TV, tuck yourself under your covers with full make-up on (you can wash this off later when he's away) and turn out the lights. At least then he'll feel too guilty to wake you and he'll have to go on his adventure alone.

But, if you're a sweetheart like myself, you'll probably agree to follow him and so my next piece of advice is to have your cellphone on you at all times because he will, no doubt, drive 95 mph and leave you - the granny driver - in the dust. Besides, 80 mph is fast enough especially when you're certain that your dog just shat herself while seated in the passenger seat.

So when you get to the airport and your roommate flips a B and ends up getting back on Sepulveda, you might feel relieved. You might think Ah, they took the shuttle and we can go home to bed. You're wrong. Their luggage is just "delayed" and you're really on your way to the Taco Bell parking lot with shady characters hanging by the dumpster. Lucky for you, you'll be wearing your (p)leather jacket that screams TOUGH CHICK DON'T F WITH THIS when your roommate leaves you in said parking lot to get some grub. This will take about fifteen minutes and then you'll be on your way again...or so you think. Really you're just headed for the Nude Girls and XXX Shop. Of course your first thought will be He doesn't really expect me to wait in the car with his dog while he gets a lap dance, but fear not, he just wants you to freeze your nips off while he has you take his picture with the dog for his next blog entry.

So when you're back on the road again, you're going to lose him in all the hustle n' bustle that is LAX and you'll be VERY sorry that your cell phone took a nose dive under the passenger seat and you haven't taught the dog to successfully retrieve things. You'll end up pulling over at Terminal 4, finding your phone and calling your roommate who is waiting outside Terminal 7. You'll then pick him up and drive home at a quarter past midnight, thinking to yourself that you won't fall asleep till 1 A.M. and you have to wash your hair in the morning. You'll think to yourself Why am I such a nice person? That or If he had an F-ing girlfriend SHE could have done this with him instead. This is when you sign him up for Match.com so that in the end you'll get a good nights rest.

Almost dying while buying roach-killing products...

So I almost died today during my lunch break. No really.

Toni and I went to OSH to get some roach-killing aids and we're rounding PCH and just make it into PV Blvd when out of nowhere I see a cloud of dust, flashing lights and a huge SUV barrelling through the intersection. Like in a western, but not. The idiot missed side-swiping us by about five seconds. So we watch him lose complete control of the car and then we couldn't see anything. So, being the concerned (nosey) citizens that we are, we decide to drive, park & walk to get a closer look.

The moron flipped his car over completely at PV Blvd and Ave F. Looking at the car, you'd think he would've died instantly. But no. The maniac ran from his car only to be chased down half a block away. And thankfully he didn't hit a single person.

So we get to work and tell everyone the tale and the first question out of EVERYONE'S mouth is, "Did you see what color he was?" We even got a "I bet he was Mexican." HELLO??!?!! What like that runs in their blood? And to make it worse, Toni, the lady that ran the errand with me is 100% Mexican. Nice work, people.

My roommate wants me to be a fatty.

Yesterday afternoon I walked out of my room and found him making pancakes. From scratch. Apparently those didn't turn out so well. When I found him baking a cake (yes, baking a cake) ten minutes later I asked, "What happened to your pancakes?" He then reached into the trash can, pulled one out and said, "Feel this." So I grabbed him and he said, "I meant the pancake." Talk about awkward. So he left for the grocery store (to buy some frosting for his cake) and a few minutes later I found the dog eating his rubber-like pancake, which I thought was sweet that she didn't want it to go to waste. She'd actually reached in and grabbed it out of the trash. The little lover.

So thirty minutes later, he returns with his frosting and apparently decided that cooling a cake before frosting it is overrated. So now I have this tantilizing warm and gooey cake - my favorite type of cake, mind you (yellow wiith choc frosting) just sitting on the counter while I'm down the hall trying to write a paper. Of course the only thing on my mind is cake, cake, cake and so I have some. And when I returned home from study group at 1:30 am and found the roach to end all roaches atop Grady's door jar I thought to myself Well, cake really doesn't sound all that appetizing anymore. So I went to turn the lights off in the living room & kitchen and thought well, maybe just a few bites...

P.S.

Because finding/killing spiders, leeches and regular ol' roaches in one week isn't enough, the insect fairy left this on my doormat this morning:



It is a "true death's head cockroach." It has this crazy marking on its head. See it? It was the size of my nose - a SKELLY NOSE (which, you should know means it's large). Or the size of both of my big toes put together. Luckily it was dead. Hah! But I'm still creeped out because it was on our doormat which reads "LEAVE." I'm taking this as a sign from the Roach God - they're telling me to leave or else. For all I know...this dead thing was the Roach God.

On a side note, roaches can live up to a week without their heads. They eventually die because they've been without water too long. Neat-o.

Swamp

So because I don't want people thinking I live in a disgusting swamp of a bedroom, I've been very careful about whom I share my leech story with. My roommate swears he doesn't see the bugs that are taking over the condo in rapid succession (I think we all knowt this is a lie). Half of the people I shared the leech story with assured me that it was a slug. But I'm telling you - this was no slug. I've done extensive research in the last 48 hours. First, slugs have these cute little bug antennae. Secondly, they don't raise their asses in the air and wave to and fro. Leeches, however, do do this and it's referred to as the "alert posture." The little bastard was searching for food:


Apparently leeches burrow themselves into the soil for months at a time. Then they latch onto my doggy when she pees and end up inside. I'm haunted. Every black string, every black piece of lint that I've come across in the past two days, I assume is another leech. So, if I have you over for tea and crumpets anytime soon, I feel it necessary to provide you with the following. I call it

Removing Leeches in a Safe Manner:

"If you are bitten by a leech and are compelled to remove it before it has had its full (leeches drop off on their own when they are done feeding), you can do so by following these steps:
1. Identify the anterior (oral) sucker which will be found at the small end of the leech.
2. Put your finger on your skin adjacent to the oral sucker
3. Gently but firmly slide your finger toward the wound where the leech is feeding. Using your fingernail, push the sucker sideways away from your skin.
4. Once you have dislodged the oral sucker, quickly detach the posterior (rear) sucker (the fat end of the leech). Try flicking the leech or proding with your fingernail. As you work to remove the leech, it will attempt to reattach itself.
5. Keep the wound clean -- minor cuts in tropical climates can quickly become infected. The leech itself is not poisonous. The wound will itch as it heals.

***NOTE: Is it generally not advised to attempt removing a leech by burning with a cigarette; applying mosquito repellent, shampoo, or salt; or pulling at the leech. This can result the leech regurgitating into the wound and causing infection much worse than the leech bite itself. In the case that a leech invades an orifice like your nose, ear, or mouth you have a slightly more serious problem since the leach will expand as it fills with blood. If you have access to strong (drinkable) alcohol or hydrogen peroxide you can try gargling (if the leech is in your mouth). Worst case scenario you may have to puncture the leech with a sharp object."

On a sexy note, "Leech socks can be helpful in preventing bites when the full body will not be at risk of contact with leeches. Leech socks are pulled over the wearer’s trousers to prevent leeches reaching the exposed skin of the legs and attaching there or climbing towards the torso. The socks are generally a light color that also makes it easier to spot leeches climbing up from the feet and looking for skin to attach to."